I’m Bald, Therefore I Am

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This post is a follow on from the last post entitled ‘The Day I Was Mistaken For a Homophobic, Racist Bigot,’ which documented my unfortunate case of mistaken identity. This post won’t make much sense if you don’t read that one. It’s very much connected with this revelation of a new comfort-zone challenge. However, the chronology of events explaining the root behind this may be a bit mixed up.

A bit like the movie ‘Pulp Fiction;’ the timeline will keep going backwards and forwards, but it’ll all make sense at the end.

A couple of years ago, I took a look in the mirror and decided that I could not lie to myself any longer. No matter how much it bruised my tender male ego which kept saying it wasn’t so – I was indeed losing my hair. And to give you an insight into how much I cared about my appearance with a full head of hair, my Grandmother used to sing this song to me:

As dramatic as it sounds, this (balding) revelation seriously affected my confidence – especially with the ladies. My perception was that no girl wanted to be seen dead with a baldie and I would indeed die a single man, with seven Border Collies to keep me company, coupled with an unhealthy addiction subscription to ‘Babecast.’

It really was soul-destroying.

I was seriously cut up by lack of follicles and even though I didn’t want to – I shaved my head to a grade one level. I even stopped going out with friends to bars! What would be the point? I’d only be mistaken for an egg!

One night, one of my mates wouldn’t take no for an answer and after being badgered for hours, I caved in and agreed to take my miserable baldie self out for a lads night out. I didn’t even bother chatting up a female of the species of course, now that I was (in my eyes) now a lower-class citizen.

After a few drinks, I felt somebody rub their hands over my head – I thought of which swear word I was going to choose, as I was absolutely convinced it was one of my mates winding me up. Nope, it was a girl – and she was pretty tasty! She then went on to tell me that she loved bald men and continued to stroke me and purr like a cat. My cynical mind told me she was being sarcastic, but no – she was digging me.

We didn’t live happily ever after and skip into the sunset or anything, but we did go on a few fun dates and this made me feel better about myself. I found that going bald was not such a big drama after all. Some women liked men with hair and some didn’t – and the world did in fact not end! More importantly, if a woman was bothered by my lack of follicles – then she blatantly wouldn’t be a worthy Mrs Man Vs Clock and that saves me time…which I don’t like wasting.

I have a friend who likes skinny men. One of my mates likes larger ladies. My other mate is hot for Asians. It’s really not a big deal in the dating pool!

What I found is it’s all about confidence – the more you have, the more you can handle a problem and less of an issue things become. So yeah…I got the hell over it. Also, I figured there are so many people suffering in the world with poverty, pain and all sorts of heart-breaking stuff – and here’s me feeling sorry for myself for this! So I totally got over the bald thing…

…until THAT DAY in Newcastle, when I was mistaken for a racist! Ever since that day, I have grown my hair out because I live in constant fear of being prejudged. Part of it is paranoia and part of it is accurate. Shaven headed people over here are a bit scary in general and I find people are less friendly to me and more assuming, but it’s time to get over it once and for all and smash down them barriers that we put up for ourselves.

Life is precious and we only get one, therefore we must take it seriously and cherish it. But sometimes, we just have to have the ability to laugh at ourselves and chill the hell out. Getting it shaved off tomorrow and going to own it.

So leave your best bald jokes below!

Join the Conversation


  1. Adventurous Kate Reply

    HAHAHA, I never dreamed my fetish for skinny guys would be immortalized in one of your posts!

    And you’re right about the importance of confidence. I find confidence to be, by far, the most important thing in attraction. If you act like you’re not worthy, you won’t be worthy. Be secure in yourself and you will attract people like crazy. Be funny and you’ll have to shake the ladies off you.

    PS — Bald is sexy, and don’t you forget it!!

    1. Anthony Reply

      Hehe I have outed you mwahahahaaaaa. There’ll be an influx of thinner chaps emailing you very soon.

      I’ll try not to forget it 🙂


      I was referring to you in the video for Americanising (YES, NO “Z”) my vocab 😛

  2. Jordan Oram (@maplemusketeer) Reply

    LOL I have really enjoyed reading this and the prior post! I can definitely relate to some of the revelations/process you’ve gone through and I think it’s common to most everyone.

    We’re all taught to hold up one model of “Attractive” and see how we fall short. This is of course bullshit. We mostly know this now 😉 And we continue to work on it lol

    And seeing as you liked my response to the whole “what are you running away from?” question.. my response to the “what’s it like having lost your hair?” is that I’ve never had as much hair as I have now.. it’s just all migrated to other regions 😉

    1. Anthony Reply

      Hey Jordan,
      Hahaha you always have an answer it seems! Yeah you’re right about the model thing, it pains me when I see a beautiful Asian lass try and look white with add-ons, wasting her exotic beauty.

      1. Jordan Oram (@maplemusketeer) Reply

        I talk a good game 😉 lol When I worked for a uni, we were doing a “guy” weekend with a couple other sites and they decided that since “pain brings guys together” they’d all chip in a few dollars and pay for me to go get my back waxed (a story for another time) the crux of which is that I was talking to the lady working on me, who was from south-east asia, and she was laughing at how so many people here go into tanning boothes/lay in the sun, etc whereas people in her country go in to get bleached for lighter skin..

        It’s good to learn to be content and to appreciate our differences 🙂

        1. Anthony Reply

          I know a fucking BEAUTIFUL Indian girl, who does the same thing. Such a shame she doesn’t see it herself!

          1. Jordan Oram (@maplemusketeer)

            Clearly another opportunity for us to change the world for the better 😉 by positively affirming the beauty in all of these beautiful peoples 😀 lol


  3. Will Peach Reply

    The future Mrs Man V Clock – now there’s a spin on the whole Mr Men franchise right there.

    Happy to see you got over it mate, can’t even see what the problem is myself. Think your barnet looks pretty damn neat myself. I had a similar situation with bad skin though mate, so I know the feeling.

    I’m hot for anything. Can I be on that list of friends?

    1. Anthony Reply

      hahaha Will I hope I get a cut of the profits if they do! I’ll add you if you want – “My other mate is hot for anything.”

      Cheers about the barnet, although it’s officially gone!

  4. Poi Reply

    New plan – my hair is crazy thick (thank you mother) so I’m thinking by the time you get over this way I can have a pretty sweet wig made up?

    1. Anthony Reply

      I’m up for that Poi, although I may hide from you if your team beats mine on Sunday!!

  5. 11 Things To Take From 2011 - Man Vs Clock Reply

    […] you’re a receding man, like my sexy shiny headed self, please listen to this […]

  6. lily Reply

    Are you balding then no worry there is one of the best solution is available stop hair loss and regrow hair is that bio hair treatment so try it and get rescue your hair from hair loss

  7. susan Reply

    HI lily i am agree with you bio hair treatment is such a good treatment!!