My Open Relationship Experience in Singapore

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“How many times have you masturbated since I’ve been away?”

It was a fair question. Our relationship had unexpectedly turned into a long distance relationship. She was working in the Middle East in her dream job for the United Nations, I was living in Bangkok and getting ready to jet off for a Pacific Islands trip. And I hadn’t had any action in months.

“I literally haven’t had my hands off it since you left,” I replied. She laughed, but then her tone suddenly became more serious.

“Seriously?!”

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“Yes, I’m being serious, Is that not normal? How about you,” I enquired?

“I haven’t.”

“Seriously?!”

“Yes, I’m serious,” she said. I think sex is more important to you than it is to me.”

I concurred. And what she said next fried my brain…

“I don’t want you to go without your basic needs because of my situation. Would you like the same agreement as Jayne and her husband?”

(Jayne is not really called Jayne. She’s a good friend of mine and an occasional reader so I don’t want to give her real name. Jane lets her husband sleep with other women. They’re happily in love and it’s never caused any problems between them. Kinky li’l so and so’s).

I laughed it off. But she asked me again. She meant it.

I asked her if she wanted to sleep with another man and she said; “No. I told you. Sex is more important to you than it is to me!”

I thought it was maybe a trap and possibly one of those sneaky female shit-test situations, where there was no correct answer. I figured that I didn’t want to be with a girl who played games and tried to trick me – so I called her bluff and said yes.

Although she wasn’t bluffing – she was seriously giving me a free pass to go and do the horizontal jogging with another lady! That night I couldn’t sleep. Did that just actually happen? 

I went through the conversation again in my head, with the rules I was given:

. No hookers. (I wasn’t interested in pay for play anyway – I want women to actually like me – I guess it’s an ego thing. But you can see where she was going with that).

. No Arabic girls. (No, she wasn’t a racist. She was Arabic too and apparently this would be a tad weird).

. Use a condom. (No-brainer).

. You have to tell me straight away when you do. (Easier said than done, but fair enough. A deal is a deal).

I told my close friends the following week and the overall agreement was unanimous.

“This isn’t going to end well, dude.”

“I think she’s testing you.”

“You lucky bastard!”

Some female friends seemed to be personally offended by the whole thing. That she was insecure. That she didn’t respect herself. That she was weak. I literally switch off when people get so judgemental and don’t truly listen, so all that was wasted on me.

What other people thought was irrelevant, really. They didn’t know her like how I knew her. She wasn’t a game-player and was the most honest person I had ever met in my life. Compounded by the fact she was the least jealous girlfriend I’d ever had. She didn’t think like other girls. Her life before leaving home had all been about strict rules and limits and she was on a one-woman mission to find her own limitations. I knew her offer was genuine, and that she was cool with it. It was me that was finding it hard to get it in my head.

I found it really hard to get my mojo back and make it happen. Although it wasn’t cheating (something that I have never done) there was something that felt quite adulterous about it. I’d find myself catching eye contact with attractive girls who would smile and give off the ‘come and talk to me’ vibes. But I couldn’t seem to get out of my own head.

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And then I went to Singapore…

I’d only just got off the plane and there was a massive taxi queue outside the airport, and the place was really busy. I wasn’t in the mood for hustle and bustle so I went for a cup of tea in a local coffee shop until it calmed down. I fumbled around my wallet and did the usual stare-intensely-at-your-new-currency-very-hard-because-it’s-new-and-confusing-and-you-don’t-know-what-to-give-the-cashier thing.

The cashier laughed and helped me out with my money. We locked eyes as I looked up. She was cute. Bobbed hair, beautiful smile and a really charming energy about her.

Uh-oh.

About ten minutes later I got my laptop out and got on with some work. She seemed to hover around me with no good reason. Inevitably, we got talking and she asked about my plans for Singapore. I responded playfully by telling her she could show me around as long as she promised to get me back my 9pm. She was digging it. This was happening. Email addresses were exchanged and we met up that night.

During those few hours when we were drinking and talking I was waiting for her to ask if I had a girlfriend. But the question never arose, even though she asked a lot of personal questions. I kept thinking how ridiculous it would sound if I replied; “Oh yeah, I do have a girlfriend. But she’s totally up for me shagging another woman. So don’t worry. She’s very open-minded.”

We went back to my hotel for a coffee…I had no coffee. No one ever means coffee when they say coffee. That’s my way of saying we had sex. It felt weird and I found it hard to really get in the swing of it. Even had a problem getting my soldier to stand to attention at one stage, but got there in the end.

As she lay her head on my chest in this confusing post-coital moment, I checked my phone and I had a really sweet text message from my girlfriend of that time. Noooo. Don’t be nice and lovely to me. Not right now. I can’t handle it. I instantly felt weirder and the girl must have picked up on it. I called her a taxi a few hours later and we said goodbye.

Then I jumped straight on Skype to talk to my girlfriend. She asked if I was ok because I seemed ‘a little off.’ I replied with; “umm, I took you up on your offer. Tonight. I did it.”  She retorted with “I knew it!” She said she had a feeling that I had. Then she went on to ask me graphic details. She spared no questions and I answered honestly.

Telling her about it was probably more weird than actually doing it.

When she came back to Bangkok, she stuck to her word and never once held it against me. Everything went back to normal. We discussed it a few times and I was always the least comfortable talking about it. She would often tease me about it – but in a jocular manner. Not in a catty kind of way.

It was definitely an experience which I never expected, or planned to have in my life. It was an eye-opener and a very interesting chapter for myself. In conclusion, I don’t think an open relationship is for me. Lost some major kinky points here. Now over to you. Have you ever had an open relationship?



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7 comments

  1. anonymous Reply

    Yes, but our arrangement was different to yours. We agreed to keep it “discrete” (i.e. lie our pants off). The lying is what ruined our marriage. I think if we had agreed to be open and honest or at least communicate better, we would have been okay. Definitely an eye-opener.

    I also agree, open-relationships aren’t for me after all… now I have the inevitable self-esteem issues even though I know it had nothing to do with me. Logic < emotions.

  2. Denise Reply

    For me, sex always has an emotional dimension to it, so I’d never be able to be in an open relationship, as it would never be ‘just’ sex.

    Thanks for sharing such a private part of your life story.

  3. Steph @ Every Steph Reply

    Long distance relationships are hard! I tried once to have a Italy-Los Angeles relationship while I was studying abroad for a year, but it just didn’t work out for us.
    I don’t think I could have an open relationship, it would be too hard thinking about my bf with some other girl, but hey, to each its own. For some people it works!

    1. Anthony Middleton Reply

      Yeah long distance relationships suck! I always said “never again” but you just never know!

  4. Chris Reply

    Wow, interesting story Anthony. Raises a difficult dilemma for anyone being in a long distance relationship. I wonder a couple months down the line whether things between the two of you are still healthy?

    1. Anthony Middleton Reply

      Hey mate, not sure if you got to the end but she was really cool with it and never held it against me. 🙂

  5. Jessica Brown Reply

    Each relationship is standing on Trust but if we are sleeping with others then i don’t think anybody accept this happily. And i am sure if someone is accepting it then its just becoz they want to see you happy. This is also part of love to change yourself for your partner desire.